Sunday, October 10, 2010

Seung Jo Diary 12

Okay, I have to spill this up but the diaries of Seung Jo was only made by a fan. Blissfulwishes@soompi revealed it by translating one of the diary writer's entry. 

Please give full credits when re-posting:
Translation by Blissfulwishes @ soompi from IMBC
This part that I've bolded at the beginning is the author's note; it looks like she is not affiliated with JangKi in any way - she's just a normal viewer like the rest of us. But obviously, MBC has approved of what she has written, which is why the diaries are posted on the official website.
I've written this extremely long entry, as you all have wished.
To be honest, I wasn't going to write an entry for Episode 12 because SeungJo's emotions were pretty clearly portrayed in the episode, but I was afraid of all of the threats I would receive... ^^;;

To be honest, I'm not a professional writer... just a normal viewer like you all.
I have my own work, my own life, I have to take care of my mother-in-law and my kids...
I started this because I loved Playful Kiss and KHJ and I wanted to help a little bit... I never thought it would grow this big.

I appreciate all of the attention, but it gets hard for me when people keep asking me to post faster.

After the broadcast is over, I pay money to download it from the internet. All night long, I watch it and I think of what I would like to write in my head... I think of the best way to word things... and in essence, I write this entry all day long.

I typed for so long today that my hands ache... and I can't do any more. So even though this entry is not perfect, I have still uploaded it.

Because I know I have to do my work.

 "You should come back home SeungJo... you know how I want all of us to live together. And be nicer to HaNi too... she's upset; she thinks that you moved out because of her."

Mom, you always worry about HaNi.
But don't worry.
Because one day, HaNi will find her own path too.
She's stronger than you think.


"I'm going to decide how I want to live my own life... I'm not going to have it dictated by you all. You didn't even ask my opinion about HaNi's family moving back in... you just decided it on your own. So, Mom, do as you wish."

Mom, you make my life hard.
I wish you would stop trying to control my life the way you want me to live it.
Even though you do it in the name of love...

After that dress-up incident from when I was younger, I didn't have any friends, everyone teased me, and I became a loner.
And because I was smarter than everyone, it led to more teasing.

So one day, I just lost my words.
Even if I said what I knew, the world didn't want to listen.
It was hard for me to express myself in front of you, Mom, who wanted a girl so badly that you dressed me up as one.

But now, I'm going to find myself.
A world where I can stand on my own without anyone's help.
A world where no one can control me, and I can be strong on my own.


Whoosh~! Like the wind, HaNi just left.
Is she mad at me?
Because I didn't refer to her as my girlfriend?

It's still difficult.
Trying to explain and express myself in front of other people.

I don't want to talk about ourselves in front of people who don't know you and me very well.

Because they'll think about it however they want to... what kinds of stories do tyou think they'll be able to craft?
It'll spread everywhere... and those lies could hurt people.

But you occupy the one space in my heart that no one else can.

The only person I can tell my roaming thoughts to... the one person who occupies that spot.

That's you. Oh HaNi...


Did I make the right decision?

Is my decision to go to medical school what I really want to do?

Father, who wants me learn all about his business.
HaNi, who wants me to go to medical school.

I told myself that I wouldn't be affected by what my parents wanted... but then why am I so affected by what HaNi wants?

"Baek SeungJo, you can do everything!!
If you become a doctor, you can fix NoRi's disease, and you can help people all over the world!!"

I can't forget how you looked that night... your eyes sparkling as you said those words to me.

From that day on, I secretly started studying for medical school.
Surprisingly, I enjoyed it... and because it was so different from anything that I had studied in the past, it was fun exploringit.

That's why I decided to take this path.
The path that you opened up for me.


"Are you thinking about something? I'll help you."

If only you could help me...
You must have seen my cloudy expression and followed me all the way here.
Because your antenna is always focused in on me, right?

Well then, should I start my counseling with you?
My friend Oh HaNi!

"I... I'm going to go to medical school. I don't know if it'll be right for me or not, but for the first time, I've found something that I enjoy."

You... I'm doing as you wished. Do you remember what you said?
I thought you would be happier...

It looks like you forgot what you told me
You... stupid Oh HaNi.

Everything you told me held meaning to me...
I remembered everything...

That I would have work to do,
Work that I would enjoy and that would help others...
Becoming a doctor and curing NoRi's disease.

My life changed because of what you said to me.
You suddenly gave my life so much meaning...


Absentmindedly, you rammed your bike into the bench.
"Of course... you clumsy Oh Hani~!"

You look gloomy as you tell me that all of your friends have decided on what they want to do... it makes me want to listen to a bit of your story.
The way you listened to my story a few days ago...

"Tell me! I'll listen to your dreams, too."

"You see... you're a doctor in a small village, and I'm the nurse. I help you out with everything and I work hard, caring for crying babies and such."

"But ~ there's a problem with this dream. If you said you wanted to be a pilot, I would want to be a flight attendant. If you became a professional golfer, I would want to be a caddy. So - it's so simple and fickle."

"My dreams are all centered around Baek SeungJo... I don't function on my own!"

You said it in a sorry and embarrassed way, but I actually felt happy.
Because somewhere in your dreams... I was in there.

But your grades... will you be able to make it to nursing school?

"Well, the more lofty your dreams are, the harder you have to work to try to achieve them, right? Right."

I patted HaNi's shoulder.

The way you did it to me...
When I went to take the test.
In the car on the way to the ocean.
When we were getting the doll out of the machine...

Just like that, you're always in my mind.
So today, I, too, pat your shoulder.

Oh HaNi fighthing~!
I'll hope and pray that you can achieve your dream.
Even though it's hard... but because you're Noah's snail.

I'll wait. Until the day that you and I will both be able to wear those white gowns.


"SeungJo-yah! You decided on your major without even consulting with me?"

Father is really angry.

Father, who always spoke quietly... anger drips from his words.

"I want to devote my life to something I enjoy"
"You're not going to inherit my business?
"I'm going to become a doctor. I will not inherit your business."

Firmly, yet coldly, I threw away Father's opinion.
Because what Father had planned out for me was not what I wanted to do...


But regardless, I shouldn't have refused Father's words so coldly and adamantly...

I regret it.
Those words stabbed both Father and me.

Watching Father clutch his chest and collapse... for the first time, I realized that I could lose Father.

A person so nice,
a person who always smile whenever he looks at us,
a person who is always on my side even when I act so coldly,
a person who always protects us...
the day would come when he would have to leave our side.

Fear... it fills my entire body.


The pile of forms looks like a mountain.

Father did this amount of work every day.
Every single day without fail...

Father, who came home late every day... why did I never once massage his tired shoulders?

You look so tired... is there anything that I can help out with?
Why couldn't I have said anything like that to him?

Why couldn't I have spoken more nicely...

I'm really a bad guy.
I'm ashamed of myself.
Really... am I really a genius?


Is it really that again?
Acting like newlyweds!

It's really like you, Oh HaNi.
Even during a situation like this, you still live with joy.

Thank you. For making me laugh.
Even when I'm doing boring office work, whenever I think of you, I smile.
Whenever my head hurts because of all of the forms and I glance out the window, the image of you bumbling yet working hard at the household chores pops into my head, and I smile yet again.

It must be hard for you to cook, do the laundry, clean, and go to school.
Even though it's work that you're unfamiliar with, I'm thankful for you... who always does everything to the fullest of her ability, with a bright smile on her face.

Sometimes, thoughts like these even pop into my mind.
What if I was the husband, and you were the wife? What would it be like?

Would it be fun? We would probably have to overcome a lot of situations.


Yes. This was the kind of situation that I was referring to.
Having to eat undercooked taro.
Having to eat this extremely salty broth.

I ate the taro first.
It kind of tastes like ginger, but the crispness is not a pleasant taste.

But still, I must eat it.
Because you must have suffered a lot while making it.

If I didn't eat it, how disappointed would you be?
Your kind eyes would droop with sadness.

How much would EunJo taunt you?

I keep worrying about you now.

After you moved out, I helped with the household chores for a while, and I learned that it was not an easy task.
I felt the loss of your empty sapce.

Which is why the you next to me is more valuable.


Even though I told you that I would eat in the cafeteria, you still held out the lunch box to me.

"I woke up extra early to make it..."
How could I not accept it?
I couldn't reject the heart that you put into making it... so warily, I accepted it.
Now that I think about it, I remember hearing the sound of you working in the kitchen at the crack of dawn.

The fried egg shaped like a heart is pretty... but will it taste good?
I can tell that you put your whole heart and soul into making this lunch, but it just makes me more nervous. ㅎㅎ

"Did your girlfriend make it for you?"

That's what the department head asked me... I wonder why I couldn't say no...

Now, I can't even say no to other people... is this how much you've made your way inside my heart?

Bong JoonGu gave me an eel lunchbox and took HaNi's for himself.

Bong JoonGu...
Today you'll find out about the real Oh HaNi. I wish I could see the moment your dreams are shattered... I daresay it would be quite interesting.ㅋㅋ


"It looks like Father might have to have a surgery.
I think I'll have to keep working in the company for now."

The scattered words that leave my mouth... I wish they weren't mine.
But I feel so powerless about the truth that lies in front of me.

"But then what about your decision to go to medical school?"
"It's the first time you've actually wanted to do something. Your dream!"

You're right... for a minute, I had a dream, too.
But then, with the summer wind, it disappeared like a mirage... my dream.

I try to justify it.

"Even though it's not what I want to do, Father will be happy if I stay at the company."

At least it's half of a success...

Even though I'm not happy...

"SeungJo, what are you going to do! Your dream..."

Your sad voice comforts me today.

You, who hurts more than me...
The tears that pool in my eyes...

You comfort me and make the pain go away.

Tonight, we are both hurt.

The stars can't sleep.

You and I can't sleep...


"The president has a granddaughter, and he was wondering if you would be interested in meeting her..."

A date made in exchange for the promise of funding...

I suppose in the business world, marriages of convenience occur often?
The meeting of money.
The meeting of profits... do I have to participate in this dirty practice too?

In order to save the company?
To think that I'll have to do something I disdained so much...

Of course, living in this world is no easy feat.
I realized that no matter how hard you try, you can't avoid the dirty water that splashes on you.

Father must have had a hard time too.
By himself... like this...
The problems that he couldn't solve... how much fear did he have while fighting them?

Thinking of being a man, a husband... the weight of this life is too much. I think I'm going to suffocate.


What do I do?

Even today, you're working so hard for our family
But I have to prepare to throw you away and leave you behind...

What do I do?

I have given Father so much pain that there is nothing I can do
Because I'm so sorry towards Father who collapsed due to the shock of my announcement...

Father's dream.
The time, the sweat, the effort he put into it... I can't ignore it...
The employees at the company who are like family... they're all relying on me...
Mother and EunJo...

And then what about you?

My heart that opened up to you of its own volition - what do I do about it?
A newly born baby bird in my heart is bleeding.

It hurts...
A lot...


I am determined.
No matter what it takes, I have to throw you away.
I have to erase all of those cherished memories...

It's okay.
It'll be okay...

It's only been 2 years. The memories with you.

I can just forget them.
I have to forget them.

I'm trying to forget.

But my heart keeps ripping apart, like a wet piece of paper...
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